Midway Check: Navy Places Macro-Level Economics of Grief on Sailor’s Family

We are about midway through what I will share on this blog. This story takes place where the Navy, Death, and Social Media overrun one another. This is not the story of my life or my family. I do not exist at this juncture. My children and I do not exist in Colter’s life at the Union of these three points. This is not my personal narrative. My feelings are irrelevant to the Navy. The Navy has my info in DEERS and that’s the extent of our relationship.

There we were. Newlyweds. July 2014. Living in our Chicago condo. We imagined our children attending the elementary school beyond our wrought iron fence, across the street.

The doorbell rang. A gift arrived. We had been home one week from St. Lucia. It was from Bed Bath and Beyond, but it only had Colter’s name on it. I left the sealed box in the foyer.

Colter arrived, still tan from our seven days in the salt-air post nuptials. We talked about our days and he opened the box. The card inside was addressed to only Colter as well. He read it, unwrapped the gift. A frying pan. He grew uneasy handing me the card. I read it.

It was from Andrea’s little sister— also a Naval Aviator. Colter met her one time, on a memorial trip for Allison in 2010.

In her note, she told Colter she was glad he “found peace.” There was no wish of congratulations, no mention of our wedding, our marriage, our union. It was simply a condolence gift, chosen from our wedding registry, where my name was evident, sent with Allison’s death in mind.

I told Colter I wanted it out of my house. I would never use it. I wanted to throw it away. He took it back to return it. Upon returning, he handed me a receipt for store credit in the amount of the gift.

I threw it away. Bad juju. Bad omen. Not in my house. Exhale.

Her gift, wasn’t sent with the intention to hurt me. I wouldn’t say I was hurt by it either. I was annoyed. What she did wasn’t personal, it wasn’t about me. I’m sure her gift was sent with what she thought was good intention...

Nothing that I’ve written about here in the years prior to our wedding was ever personal or about me. None of it had anything to do with me. That’s why it was easy to ignore it all. Let it all go. Focusing on us was easy. The Navy is like a wolf pack I guess. Everyone is just always there. Every party, at the bar, even at parties we threw, we invited these people. You invite everyone. Most Aviators were fine.They were fun. Colter did not take me places where he knew these bullies would be. He didn’t take me places where Allison’s old squadron would be hanging out. We hung out with his friends. I guess what I’m getting at, is you can’t avoid all the bullies all the time, and we didn’t. We lived our lives. It didn’t hurt at that time. I just thought, what jerks. I mean none of them were main characters in our life.

This woman, Andrea’s little sister, wasn’t a bully. She was a stranger to me. She was practically a stranger to Colter.

Why did she feel so close to send this gift? What was Colter’s reputation on social media that nearly four years had passed since the one time Colter had met this person, that she felt compelled to intrude on our life and insert her grief into our first two weeks as newlyweds?

What was transpiring online in his absence from Facebook? Well, a great deal of posts, a great deal of memories, all of which had nothing to do with Colter or myself, but during the five years after Allison’s death, year after year, and the Navy’s Sailors were remembering their friend and possibly simultaneously assigning an unspoken reputation to Colter that didn’t include anything of substance from his actual life - five years after Allison’s death.

The “wedding” gift was about her, Colter and Allison. Awkward at best.

With our wedding, my boundaries were clear.

The USS Midway hosted a Memorial Day Event this year. The NGSP advertised it on their page, saying that the first 100 Gold Star Family Members were free. The USS Midway is a private organization and has to make money to survive, like any organization.

Only 100 Gold Star Family Members could be free… the USS Midway Museum is not a villain for this boundary. No one shames them for not allowing ALL Gold Star Families in for free.

A Navy Sailor once shamed me for being alive.

There is an expectation from the Navy, from this circle of social media, from my in-laws, from strangers who didn’t know Allison or Colter, from Allison’s friends, from the NGSP that I am to allow all intrusions in my life, forever, whenever the Navy [et al] feels like it.

I am a villain for having boundaries. I am a villain for not allowing the weight of the Navy’s macro-level "economics" of grief and “patriotism” to be pushed on our family’s sweet little micro-life.

More to come…

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