Strategic Remembrance

The leaders of Allison’s Squadron and NAS North Island, planned a public memorial with press in attendance for the five who perished in the May 2009 crash. During which, the Commanding Officer of Allison’s squadron, (now) Rear Admiral McCall was quoted in the Union Tribune as saying, “We treat each other as family.”

”We’re going to cry; we’re going to mourn. We’re going to grieve together,” McCall said according to the San Diego Union Tribune article. McCall then handed Colter a folded flag.

To the best of my knowledge, Colter never heard from any Navy Superior Officer in Allison’s chain of Command ever again.

Colter understood that the Navy frowned upon him reaching out to other Survivors of the same crash. Was this the same reason Colter never heard from any Navy Leader above Allison’s rank?

In the initial (what would become) years of our relationship certain female Sailors strategically mourned their friend when it seemed to bring them closer to Colter. These actions designed a complicated dynamic around the social or Facebook remembrance of Allison after Colter and I began dating.

One Sailor tagged Colter in photos with Allison after meeting me. One published stories. One would email Colter the specific details of a dream she had about Allison’s helicopter crashing. (Let’s sit with this for a minute. She sent to Colter a detailed, written, image, of a dream she had where Allison’s helicopter was crashing. Who does that? Allison’s HSC-6 squadron mate did that.) She would send Colter complaints about her boyfriend, who was also in the military. Colter didn’t seem to engage her on the subject. These emails, however, were always sent under the guise of their “shared” loss. Then, while planning the 2011 Memorial in DC, she began signing off her emails to Colter and his parents, “Love,…”

Her desired relationship with Colter under the pretense of grief, convoluted what Colter’s role in DC was to be. It was made more complicated because she wasn’t the only person in the small gathering for the three-days-long event who had previously and secretly vied for Colter’s intimacy. The cluster of secrets while these same friends of Allison’s planned this memorial where they were expecting Colter to be the still dedicated, actively grieving husband for everyone else against his wishes, is infuriating, lacking character, courage, and integrity.

If these Sailors had listened, Colter told them what he wanted in DC. They ignored Colter’s request.

Rear Admiral McCall said, “we grieve as family,” then never showed up again. Aviators from his squadron would go on to become my bullies.

Colter gave specific written instruction to not be included in the Navy Gold Star Program, and the NGSP ignored his wishes.

The culmination of the Navy's sheer negligence and utter disregard for his wishes creates undue and unwarranted stress on our family every May. The Navy's cheap, cluster*, messed-up approach to death from the TOP down is asinine. I will not disappear this year or any year, so Colter can fulfill the Navy’s tacky disturbing need for Facebook likes surrounding death. I will exist as Colter’s wife, and he my husband.

In the months leading up to the Memorial in DC, Colter told me this was the last one. He was done with them.

Why did he go? I can’t speak for Colter. I can say, from my perspective, it was to be one weekend, honoring Allison, with her parents in attendance. I knew Colter loved me and I loved him. I was home, playing softball with our friends in San Diego, to include folks from Colter’s old squadron, (people with whom I would have a beer any day).

Why does this matter now?

The algorithm that annually calls the Navy into (Facebook) action to remember their Sailor, is based on the plotty tale of unrequited love, physical attraction, survivor’s guilt, alienation, bullies, ego, marketing, and the expectations of not only those who lost Allison, but somehow the expectations and wishes of those who didn’t know her or Colter.

The Spouses of those in Allison's chain of command seem to like every Facebook post remembering the Sailors who died in service to our Country. They seem to use their FB to tell “OTHER” people to “remember what Memorial Day is about.” Seems trite frankly to like posts when Colter was a real person they could have supported in real time, in 2009, and didn't. But, yes, keep telling "other" people what to do on Memorial Day. BZ folks.

At the end of the day, what I want people to know is that none of these Navy Leaders or their Spouses ever reached out to Colter— after telling him they grieve as family.

For some posting a photo is remembering and honoring, for others it is a status symbol. Does this matter? Yes, when an NGSP employee at some SeaBee base in Mississippi along with her bosses gets to decide to speak for my Sailor husband, who she's never met, yes it all matters. NGSP coordinators are instructed to use Google to look up the deceased and their family members, so yes what has been posted online by ego driven Aviators matters. How would she feel if I spoke for her husband without his permission or knowledge? What if I posted something intimate about her husband as she did about mine against his written permission? BZ lady. What do you want me to post online from your's or your husband's past that you haven't talked with your kids about? What topic from before your marriage that your kids don't know yet, would you not want posted? How would that make you feel? You did it after I cremated my second baby. You put more on me than I could take on at that moment. #seabee #ncbcgulfport

The Navy‘s asinine approach to death and remembrance is not sustainable and it lacks integrity. Perhaps the Navy should get off Facebook and spend its time doing something constructive. #getrealgetbetter #cnogilday #cnichq #navystory #nasnorthisland #navyfamily #forgedbythesea

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