6. Colter Leaves Facebook

For Christmas 2016, we took a family roadtrip from Chicago to Phoenix. Bradley wouldn’t sleep if he heard us. We were silent until his eyes closed for the night. In the silence, underneath the stars as we drove long into the night, Colter shared stories of waking before dawn to feed his 4H rabbits, chopping wood with his sisters, fishing trips where they ate nothing but fish, hunting trips, and carrying a deer down a mountainside. On the journey home he told stories from college that made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt and my eyes dripped with tears.

Colter reveals himself in the silence. Otherwise, he is succinct and speaks with brevity.

That is why Allison’s Flange Dedication Ceremony at the Women’s Memorial in D.C. over Memorial Day weekend in 2011 became a crossroads for Colter. It was organized by the mafiosa of mourners. Colter asserted to these organizers that Allison’s brother or father place the flag in the flange, he assumed his wish would be respected. He wanted to avoid discussing it onsite in front of Allison’s family. He was happy for her honor, but Colter wanted to sit in the back and watch as any other person in attendance.

Colter’s request was not honored.

Despite his wishes, he was made to sit in the front, and play the role of actively-grieving-spouse at a memorial event he did not plan or ask for, to serve as a recipient of collective and public grief two years after Allison’s death.

Colter and I initially planned to make the trip together. We would attend the ceremony and then do our thing. Colter was under the impression it was the dedication and that was it. The mafiosa turned the simple flange dedication into a three-day-festivity of group tours, dinners, activities and outings, and expected Colter to be the “still committed husband.”

Every moment would be captured on camera and live forever on Facebook with no privacy settings attached.

His attendance was required at everything from a Memorial Concert on the Mall with all of the parents of the group, to an afternoon soirée of hors d’oeuvres at the main organizer’s home in Alexandria.

Colter’s Mom also believed it was inappropriate that I attend— ouch.

Two years after Allison’s death, Colter was not publicly permitted to have his girlfriend come and learn about who his late wife was.

Vanderbilt ROTC (Allison’s alma mater) was invited. Significant others of all Aviators and friends along with their parents had all been invited. There had been posts on Allison’s FB Tribute page for anyone who wanted to join. Also to be in attendance were those Sailors and friends of Allison’s who sought intimate relationships with Colter in the year and half after the crash and before I met him.

The photos posted tell the story of the organizers, not Allison's story. Colter was a prop who wasn't allowed to be human that weekend. He was expected to be what the mafiosa made him. That summer as we approached our one year anniversary of dating, Colter’s online reputation as Allison’s husband grew even more.

I officially became “the other woman.”

In 2012, approximately one year after the memorial in D.C., Colter quietly left Facebook.

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