Beyond non-fiction, this one is personal

In 2016, much like the election between Clinton and Trump split the country, so too was our marriage diverging. Two paths forming over time. One covertly with Colter and his family. And, one with me, and I thought our family.

Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself,” enamored all who dumped someone in ‘16. If I could explain best what was unfolding in Colter’s family and their “social circles”— imagine if Colter wrote Bieber’s lyrics in secret with his family…

But when you told me that you hated my friends

The only problem was with you and not them

And every time you told me my opinion was wrong

And tried to make me forget where I came from

Thinking back, these are Colter’s near exact sentiments toward me in 2016 when I would inquire about situations that came up with his family. He told me I was crazy. He told me I made up the bullying. He told me that I created the idea that his Mom, sisters, and now sister-in-law maintained relational aggression toward me. He told me I made up that these friends of Allison’s were vying for him well into our relationship, masquerading their desires as “remembrance.”

Somewhere along the way, I feel he stopped supporting us in terms of the past and his family. I’m unclear on when, or if I ignored that happening too. (Remember me? The idiot in love splashing about in the Red Tide?) When it was just us, (not his family or Allison's friends) it was amazing. It was loving. It was romantic. I remain confused and unclear on what truths Colter holds. In 2016, it seemed to depend on with whom he was nearest.

If you’ve been reading (sorry to repeat!!) you know that the Navy Gold Star Program began tracking Colter as Allison’s “husband” living at our address AFTER we were married. The Navy never reached out prior regarding Allison. Not once. The NGSP began sending him emails, phone calls, and mailers sent to our home after we were married. Colter had been clear in asserting to me when we started dating that he did not have a wife. He was clear he was uncomfortable being called, "son-in-law.." Yet, the Navy’s slow, plucking of our reality, appropriation of these sentiments, occurred mostly without my knowledge.

Our relationship was dripping through my fingers, like a melting popsicle on a hot day. There were these moments, where I had no idea what suddenly changed in Colter. Christmas 2014, our first Christmas as a married couple. Colter just grew angry, irritable, he didn’t seem to like me anymore. It was out of the blue, sudden and for no reason. He wasn’t just mad at me, he was mean. Pulled away. He was resentful. In January 2015 he told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. A few months later, Colter didn’t know why he said it.

In 2021, I learned that a Navy Gold Star Representative from San Diego called Colter out of the blue, calling him Mr. Menke, December 18, 2014, 7 days before that Christmas, to see if there was anything she could do for him regarding his loss.

This was the Navy’s timeline. Not ours as newlyweds.

In 2023, I learned that when she called Colter in 2014, this NGSP Coordinator was the spouse of an HSC-6 Sailor, Allison’s squadron. Allison's squadron superiors never reached out to Colter after her funeral. Yet, there was the spouse of the famed family of " Screamin’ Indians" as they call themselves, calling my husband, to check in on him.

The Navy’s overreach into our marriage is woefully unnecessary and assigned to inappropriately qualified individuals. Many who have affected my family are Navy Spouses, who have preference for jobs on bases. These women are placing their “unimaginable” on my husband as though it is 2009. It is inappropriate and misplaced.

Did the Navy expect my husband to attend NGSP events by himself to spend one of his three free weekends a month with widows, widowers and THEIR children? I have no idea. The Navy is commingling the ethics and morals around death and marriage — without any academic knowledge of death, grief, complicated grief, loss, or marriage.

From 2013-2017 Colter served at the Great Lakes Naval Base for his Navy Reserve Duty. The only mailing that ever came to our home from the Navy was from the NGSP. I had no prior experience with the Navy, other than San Diego as Colter's girlfriend. I didn't know the extent to which those mailings, phone calls and emails reflected how his unit saw him. As far as I knew, the NGSP was the Navy, and that's what everyone in North Chicago knew of him.

It’s a small Navy world. Were these Navy bullies going to end up in unit again? Was one of their friends?

I dreaded his Navy Service on those weekends, and weeks, and any night he was emailing for the Navy. (It’s never just one weekend a month and two weeks a year.) I dread any interaction with the Navy anymore. We don’t celebrate it. We cherish memories with good Friends, and that butts up to the Navy. The Navy doesn’t care for me as “family.”

Nor do my in-laws— but Colter will argue differently.

It is my belief and my experience that my in-laws portray an image online that lessens our marriage because of their own discomfort as a result of their social connections on Facebook and other sites. Colter’s Mom, Sandi, very much did not believe I was welcome in DC at this 2011 Memorial. I understand this was reflective of her and not about me.

Well into our marriage, she was becoming friends with Allison’s family members, friends and friends’ parents on Facebook. I don’t believe she ever reconciled those relationships with our marriage. I think her discomfort with acknowledging the present (me) limits her authenticity online.

I let it go in the initial years of our relationship. However, the weight of everyone else in this saga not wanting to be uncomfortable places all the discomfort on me. And—I’m not permitted to be angry, hurt, sad or even Colter’s wife sometimes because other people don’t want to be uncomfortable.

And now, the US Navy doesn’t want to be uncomfortable. So they put the weight on me. They put the pressure on me to deal with, so they don’t have to. Carrying that much weight is crushing.

With our wedding, I was clear on my boundaries with Colter. Colter was clear with me. We were on the same page. Their was no one else in that discussion because our marriage only has two people in it.

The ladies in Colter’s family get together every year for what Colter’s Dad calls a girls weekend. Even Piper’s then girlfriend, now wife was in attendance. I was never invited, save for once— Colter talked with his Mom earlier that day. She texted me and asked if I wanted to join them for their "last minute" girls weekend in two days.

Two things:

1. Colter told her on the phone he would be gone all weekend for his Navy drill, and we had a baby. What did she think I would do with him?

2. Every single year, they plan this weekend at their family Christmas in Phoenix. This family does not plan anything last minute.

What to do? I said thank you for inviting me, but Colter has drill and I think it’s too late to get a decently priced ticket for two days from now.

When I asked questions of Colter about why or how, or gently tried to bring up situations that I believed we needed to talk about such as this, Colter would grow angry. His anger always “won.” The conversation ended. In his mind, I believe he thought that counted for talking about a subject. Therefore, we should be done with it and it should never come up again.

I mean…that’s just not how it works. Anger doesn’t solve problems. Yelling doesn’t solve problems.

Somewhere along the way, I was not in the loop anymore. Colter always had the support of his family who chose to believe the myths they collectively formed in their minds and the minds of those they talked to about it all….

For incidence, the stories they told were:

1. We had to leave San Diego because it held too many memories for Colter.

2. Colter had to get rid of his cats because I didn’t want cats that Allison and Colter had together.

3. I was jealous of all women. (Remember here that Colter having prior “girlfriends” or friends of Allison’s who jumped into his bed seeking his “love” was not public knowledge until now. According to Colter’s family, I was jealous of the “Intelligence” Officer for no reason. I was jealous of Allison’s hometown friend for no reason. I was jealous of Andrea for no reason. And mainly, I was jealous of Allison for no reason—we will get to this story, but not yet.)

4. I kept Colter from his friends.

5. I kept Colter from his family.

6. I made him have anxiety around every woman.

7. And more, we will get there…

None of this was true, but this was the reputation that Colter’s mother, sisters, and sister-in-law, assigned to me without my knowledge, to their friends. While they visited us, their looks to each other sent like daggers meant for me. And, on Facebook.

Facebook.

Can I write, f$%^&*# Facebook?

In my 2016, I was a new Mom. I had left my well-paying job behind, not necessarily because I wanted to, more because I had to. Colter was working full time and traveling, He was also in the Navy Reserves which involved any extra time he had. (More to come on the Navy’s role in our marriage at this point.) We also had these “problems.” These issues with his family, with his frustration with my asking questions about his family and why certain things were happening. It drained me. I had loved my job. I was a content developer. I was researching, writing, producing, and learning.

Yet, when it came time to return, I gave my two weeks instead. It was too much to manage, and I just wanted to enjoy this sweet baby. It took all I had to block the rest and maintain my happiness in my life. I was beginning to feel very alone. Only no one I ever spoke to about it quite understood. It’s like a slow drip no one else experienced. Slow drips eventually cause a burst.

When friends saw us, they saw the happy family we were. And we were a happy family, as long as none of this “outside” world was with us. When we were with my family, our friends, our little family, we were happy. It was growing harder and harder to embrace the suck of the outside world. I truly believed time would carry it all away, keep it in the past.

Facebook convolutes the past with present. It’s not real. Memories and sharing photos I get it, I do it too. The problem for us was when there was still this expectation that Colter was “her husband.” Colter’s family’s relationship with Allison’s family and friends made it difficult to exist in Colter’s life.

Colter’s little sister seemed to take over the “communications” for Colter once he left Facebook. Making announcements on his behalf because she was connected to all of these people who knew Allison. Colter left Facebook. He’s Colter, but he still has phone numbers even if only used rarely. No one made Piper the keeper of him. It was awkward at best. (More to come.)

Colter’s Mom was the communications person for the adults who wanted to contact Colter, such as Andrea’s father, who inquired if he could name Colter in some video he wanted to post on YouTube. Are you kidding me? Colter is a grown man, if you have his contact info and he doesn’t write you back take the polite no as a win. (Now if I don’t write you back, I’m incredibly sorry and I miss you :) and I miss all of it. I’m not out in life anymore. Someday.)

There was a general lessening of our relationship even in the present day because of the relationship between Colter’s family and Allison’s family and friends, and all of their interactions with Facebook. So much that Colter’s Mom made her profile picture of her and Colter dancing at our wedding, but she cut me out so as to create a very bizarre photo size for a Facebook profile picture, but sure. You decide. Maybe I’m wrong? But I’m right there on left, over her shoulder. I could be wrong, I’m a little sensitive. I will say that she boldly sported her tattoo for Allison at our wedding, in our wedding pictures, and I have never once nor since seen her in anything with a shorter hem ever again. She also didn’t talk to anyone at our wedding, every time I looked over, there she was with Colter, and where was my groom? At his Mom’s side, “because she doesn’t know anyone.” Give me break.

They had all made it known that I was not welcome, repeatedly, but there they all were on Facebook together. I posted pictures of our first Thanksgiving we hosted as a married couple in November 2014 with Colter’s parents and little sister. Everyone looked great. Neither Piper nor Sandi allowed them to be viewed on their pages. Now, do I take this personally, take this as them not wanting to highlight that Colter and I were a married couple, or ignore it? I ignored it. That’s all I could do back then. Hope for the best and move on.

Eventually, that no longer worked.

To this day, I do not know the extent to which Colter either let his family believe what they wanted to believe about me, about our relationship, verses what he told them without me present. If there were problems in our relationship wouldn’t he have talked with me about it?

I’m acutely aware I cannot control other’s actions, thoughts, nor what is on Facebook. I can remove myself from uncomfortable situations. In July 2016, after informing Colter of my decision and the action I would take regarding Facebook and his Mom, I sent the following email.

I heard nothing back regarding the email. Neither did Colter. That afternoon, Colter received a call from his older sister. He went to our bedroom and shut the door. When he finally came out and talked with me, it was to tell me that Jessi said Colter’s Mom forwarded my email to Colter’s sisters. Sandi was hurt and crying. Jessi was upset with me. She unfriended my sister and me in retaliation. My understanding was that it was more than anything, Sandi was upset that she would no longer be able to see pictures I posted of our baby.

Let's pause. She had a perfectly capable son who could send her photos. Her lack of photos is not my burden either.

Now, despite me having told Colter my plan and sharing the email with him right after I sent it, so he would know my exact words (and no one could tell him I said something different), he was upset with me, for having upset his family.

I can’t control their reactions, or Colter’s reactions, but that morning when I told him, he voiced no concern and respected my decision and why I did it.

Boundaries are healthy. Colter was aware of my boundaries before our wedding. We were on the same page. In time, the expectations of others had a say in our marriage because of how those individuals affected Colter. Whether through his parents, his sisters, or the US Navy, they all crossed healthy boundaries, violated clear policy, or both.

More to come… this is a complicated one… in creation

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